Nepalese Massage…. orrrr what the rest of the world would call sexual assault.

WARNING: This post contains adult themes. Reader discretion is advised .

After a few consecutive days of waking up early (3:30am, 5:30am, and today at 4:30am in case you want to keep score), it was nice to have the afternoon to myself.

The morning was quite spectacular with a sunrise viewing over the Himalayas, followed by some cave temples, waterfalls, Nepal’s largest lake, an island temple, and a paraglider crash (witnessed it). Despite doing all this including buying my guide an ice cream, I was back in my hotel by 11:47am.

BTW, if you ever come to Nepal, forget Kathmandu. There’s nothing there. Go to Nagarkot or Pokhara. Pokhara is a 6 hour drive from Kathmandu, but it’s worth it. Pokhara is what I imagine when I think of Nepal. Breathtaking scenery, lovely people, and more cows in the road than cars. Though an incredible number of school kids. Kathmandu is basically India, but dirtier, poorer, and more polluted… which I didn’t think was actually possible but the begging kids are ridiculously cute. Cute as in their looks, not the fact that they are kids begging.

Anyway, there is a spa onsite which I pass to and from my room so I decided to stop by to see what they had to offer. First of all, I’m not a massage guy. If I could find a chiropractor here, I’d take that over a massage in a heartbeat. I’ve only had 1 other real massage. But I looked at the list and they had a 60 minute “Neck and Shoulder” massage for 2500 rupees, or $25 USD (exchange rate is easy here, just take off 2 zeros). So I signed up for a neck and shoulder massage at 3pm. NOTE: I said NECK AND SHOULDER MASSAGE and went back to my room to take a nap.

3pm comes and I show up at the spa feeling a little out of place. It’s all beautifully decorated, candles, incense, all that shabazz and I’m in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops. Here’s when things go crazy.

A very pretty Nepalese girl (BTW #2, there are some VERY good looking Nepalese girls working at this hotel. Another one served me breakfast) takes me into the massage room and says something I can’t understand. So I say “I’m sorry?” and she’s looking me up and down and says “OK (and makes the OK with her hand), you’re handsome.” I smile and say “you’re kind. Thank you” and proceed to tell her that I’m there for the NECK AND SHOULDER MASSAGE. She gestures for me to remove my shirt. Still looking me up and down. Thankfully, I’m not shy so I do. Then she tugs on my shorts and says “these too”. Still staring at me. I’m wearing boxers so ok, no big deal. Then she nods at my boxers. Now I’m getting a little uncomfortable so I nod at the door. Only then does she leave the room so I can get fully undressed and get onto the massage table.

I hop up onto the table just as she’s coming back in (time she was out of the room, about 8 seconds) and she says “Yes. VERY handsome”. Mind you, I didn’t have time to pull the sheet up to cover up so I’m lying face down completely naked. She’s already seen everything and if I make a move for the sheet, she’d get the full monty. Oh well, what am I going to do? So I just lie there. She walks over and pulls the sheet up to my waist and says “you ready?” and I nod.

Pop quiz to see if you’re paying attention: What massage did I sign up for? 

NECK AND SHOULDERS? I thought so too.

The first thing she does is walk around behind me where my legs are together and separates them. I’m still trying to figure this out. But then she massages my feet, ankles, and calves. Ok. Was worried for nothing. It’s not what I signed up for but so be it. She only does it though for about 30 seconds before she gets onto the table and straddles me. Then pulls the sheet down far enough that I’m sure I’m completely exposed again. I hope you readers are laughing at this because I still am debating notifying the authorities (not really). But she was only getting started.

Pop quiz #2: Where are neck and shoulders located on your body? By your head right? (insert inappropriate joke here)

She starts with putting oil on my back and butt and getting a good massage going on those areas. A few times getting a little personal if you know what I mean. 20 minutes later and she hasn’t even touched my neck but my butt is as relaxed as can be. Then she moved onto my arms, hips, sides, barely touching my head, neck, and shoulders. Probably 30 minutes of 60 done. She hasn’t said much other than asking if the pressure was ok and saying “you’re very tight”. You’ve come centimeters close to violating me a few times. That probably explains it.

Then she asks me to flip over onto my back. Durrrr…So I asked to clarify. “Flip over?” “Yes”.

Yowza. What now?

So I flip over trying to keep covered but mostly failing (she’s seen everything anyway so why bother) and she says “you go to gym?” and I say “I used to. I’m fat now” and she says “no, you’re VERY handsome”. Oh boy.

She puts my arms in a 90 degree angle. Think like a hanging marionette. It’s also a good stretch when opening up your breastbone and chest. Then she puts oil on my chest and starts massaging my chest. Each time getting lower and lower until she was eventually massaging my stomach and past my hipbones. Mind you she’s doing this from standing above my head so her breasts are pretty much resting on my face.

Time spent massaging my NECK AND SHOULDERS – Not long enough to remember.

Time spent massaging awfully close to my privates – Most of it.

Just when I thought she might cross the inappropriate threshold (Am I in Redwood City?) she stops, pulls the sheet back up to my neck, (it was down past my hip bones), does this judo chop thing on my forehead (probably to remove the impressions of her breasts) and says “all done!”

Thinking back, she did eventually massage my neck (not for very long though) and even massaged my forehead, ears, nose, and double chin (I warned her I was fat).

While this might sound pretty shocking (or not) to most people, the truly hilarious thing is not the first time this has happened to me. The same thing happened when I got my first massage in Las Vegas but in that case, she got even closer and kept commenting on how “powerful” my upper body was (that was a long time ago) and telling me about how great her daughter was and how she just needed to meet a “nice guy”. Oy!

That experience reminded me of 2 things. The “Friends” episode where Joey goes to his tailor and gets “cupped”.

Joey - “Isn’t that normal?

The rest of the “Friends” - “NOOOOO”

And the Seinfeld episode where George thinks “it might have moved” when he got a massage and the masseuse got close to his privates.

Neither of these things happened to me but now I’m wondering are ALL massages like this and I’ve just been missing out or do I just get really pervy masseuses?